The Phrases from My Dad Which Helped Us when I became a First-Time Parent

"I think I was just in survival mode for twelve months."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the difficulties of being a father.

However the truth rapidly proved to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Severe health complications during the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into acting as her main carer as well as taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I took on every night time, every nappy change… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared.

Following eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a chat with his father, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he needed help.

The straightforward statement "You aren't in a healthy space. You need some help. What can I do to support you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and find a way back.

His situation is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. Although people is now more comfortable talking about the strain on mums and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges new fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his difficulties are symptomatic of a wider reluctance to open up among men, who often internalise negative notions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets hit and stays upright time and again."

"It's not a show of failure to request help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably ahead of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is just as important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the opportunity to take a pause - taking a short trip abroad, away from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He realised he required a adjustment to consider his and his partner's emotions in addition to the day-to-day duties of caring for a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she needed" -physical connection and hearing her out.

'Parenting yourself

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will help his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked stable male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, profound trauma meant his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "poor choices" when in his youth to modify how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish.

"You turn to behaviours that aren't helpful," he notes. "They may temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - if you feel under pressure, confide in a family member, your other half or a counsellor about your state of mind. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the activities that made you feel like the person you were before having a baby. Examples include exercising, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the body - nutritious food, physical activity and where possible, sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is faring.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - sharing their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Remember that asking for help isn't failing - taking care of you is the best way you can care for your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead offer the stability and nurturing he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - processing the emotions in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men since they acknowledged their issues, changed how they express themselves, and learned to control themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I said, on occasion I feel like my purpose is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am understanding as much as you are through this experience."